Oh, what i'd enjoy right now

The A/C cranked, a handful of Oxycodone pills, a handful of Carisoprodol tabs, 2 Cheese joints, a queen sized bed and a girl to relax, get high (low?) and cuddle with while watching..hm..a foreign film? =) Nothing like nodding out in a big bed next to someone, chatting, smoking.. Miss it.

" Lovin, touchin, feelin, squeezing "

I can get cheap Carisoprodol/Soma tabs from Argentina but pain pills of all types are hard to find..that, and i'm Recovering.. not that it matters; the above is simply my fantasy for right now. Not anything i'm actually going to go do. I havent have Dope or Pain Pills in months; i havent had Soma in at least a year or two.. but one can dream :)

_Wonder what it's like in Nizhny Novgorod? I have a new friend from there. I bet Soma is sold OTC there, probably (dihydro)/codiene tabs or syrup OTC as well. I imagine "prescriptions", drugs that require an actual doctor's signature, can be Bought pretty easily though. Everyone has a price. Everywhere :) Probably it's humid there right now. And flies everywhere. The girls are pretty, I bet. Probably SO pretty, in fact.The clothing hip, the food.. different.

There they probably drink Kvas, eat Bliny during the day. Borscht with Smetana on top. I don't know much else. There's Keffir, I think they have Keffir in Russia, like in Turkey..I've always wanted to visit. My Church went to Russia in June. They built a very awesome Playground at an Orphanage we have contact with in a village in the middle of nowhere over there. The children were all smiling, grateful and beautiful. Many of them orphaned as infants to alcoholic mothers..some of them there for other reasons. ANYWAY - I hope to maybe be able to go and visit Russia with my Church when we go next. I would need a sponsor but I could get one.

If Nick, perfect Nick, Rachel's boyfriend, can find a sponsor and go to Russia - I can. He might play the guitar, and have the piercings and the good looks, but i'm infinitely smarter, could learn enough russian on the PLANE RIDE to be able to order dinner and well. I've always wanted to visit Russia. I deserve it damnit. That's next year but it's not too soon to be thinking of sponsors for such a trip. Wonder if perfect Nick is going again the next time the Church sends a group.

orange pee


I have orange pee. I am on 2 Rx medicines that are orange - also my multivitamin is orange, and I take cranberry-extract capsules. Making sure it was ok with my doctor, he also agrees yeah, it's the meds. Or carrots , but i dont eat a lot of carrots. He said make sure to stay hydrated and if I drink water and it's still orange then it's the dyes in the pills.. yeah, i'm sure that's healthy for my veins etc. Orange liver and orange muscle fibers. Ha.

No work today. I got up early and had my sister drive me to Therapy at 8. That went til 9 and then I called up but the flower shop didn't need me today - later this week. In the next weeks they'll be getting busier; I am okay for now with slowly getting back into the working schedule. I am not in need of money so much as socializing, and getting out of my house for a few hours each day. So yeah, I can't wait til business picks up, but I'm okay with 15-20hrs a week for now, no problem :)

I really appreciate and like my therapist. She kind of gets me. I just hate how intelligent and smart she thinks I am from speaking with me. Anyone who takes the time to talk to me thinks or says so - not that it gets me anywhere, I told her. She said that it still could.. she also offered serious insight into why I'm attracted primarily, right now, to single mothers. It's because I hate my own parents, and was never offered un-conditional love, that I crave the innocent love and affection of a child. And to feel the love between a new mommy and her infant..it's quite tangible.

Even Jackie, prior to calling me creepy and shutting me out of her life, understood the love radiating off of mommy thing. Thus it felt nice sitting next to her, or sitting next to her and holding her baby. IT was only a few weeks long friendship, or hanging out, whatever - but I miss the baby. There's a thing for families at my Church friday night. I might go - maybe I'll meet a nice girl there. Even if i don't - it gets me out of the house, which I desperately need.

For months I only left my house to go to the Spanish section to score. Then when I quit drugs I just..didn't leave the house. I'm trying to find friends, and maybe a partner, now; especially now that I'm working. It's just going to take time - I was never good at making friends. And this is a hard age to need to make new friends. And, well - I come off as weird, creepy, arrogant to people. I dont know why or how, but it is so; it's hurtful when all I want is to be liked and cared for. And to have that shown to me by affection.

As my friend Rachel would say "Soon." I can wait. It's not as if i'm exactly date-able, at the moment, nor am I particularly.. desperate for physical relations.. So i can have all the patience I need to find a partner or a girl to talk to. Or any new person to be friends with. Good things take time.


Work was good today. Despite the humidity while unloading the trucks; which I hate. The feeling of humidity/sweating, working with wood or plants or dirt - that is my least favorite feeling in the world. The antithesis to cool, soft hands in mine.

Tom, the boss, says he thinks I'm a great asset to the company! And they can really use me in the coming months. Sept. and Oct., I've heard, are big Wedding months now. So cool. I'm so so so psyched to be working again, finally - it's been monnths. And it's local, and doing something I love.. Thanks Gd for this very cool opportunity. I am not messing this up :) My coworkers (today) were mostly older women, an older man, and a large ex marine corps guy a little older than I.

Bob and I got on the best. He's an older man, 50s, queer - he used to teach art! We talked art history and travel - he did Peace Corps work in Sierra Leone, and traveled thru much of Africa and Europe during that time of his life. He is an interesting guy to talk to and work with. I was cutting flowers with him, with a lever-type slicer, like a table top paper slicer. It runs the blade right thru the stems.

___Besides work I have nothing going on. I had some wine earlier, it was the last of it. I am excited to see my therapist tomorrow, Stacy - though I just saw her Monday, having somebody to talking to is great. So I'll see her 8:15 til 9 tomorrow and then shuffle off to work and try to put in a solid 6 hours! Sweet.I love, finally, being busy Having things to do during the day. And I really value Stacy - I know she's paid the talk to me - but she's paid to listen, too, and fuck it. It's great, counseling has a bad rap. I'll probably keep seeing her twice a week, when possible.

Another 10 days of flush (water only) for a plant, before it's ready to come down.. then 3-4 days to hang+dry and I'll have some smoke. Cool. But you know.. I want to cut down. I want to sell most of it, keep some to jar up and let it cure/age and just hit it up time to time. IDK though - everyone needs something to do to relax, something to do as a nervous habit,, I've been smoking Cannabis pretty regularly for 4 years now. Irregularly for 4 years before then..  it's odd to think of life without toking on some pot or hash. But, I kicked heroin. I kicked speedballs, actually. I could probably kick weed ;)

Today I feel jealous of my friend Rachel and the happiness she has with her boyfriend Nick. Nick is a nice guy and all but i'm just as nice, and cool in my own way. I'm just not a GUITAR PLAYER like he is...

I wish I could meet a decent , pretty girl, who likes me for who I am. I feel alone a lot, and well. I'm not needy, damnit, but I would like to have someone to put my arms around, hold hands with. Sit with..just be near. I'm lonely for companionship , really.

I'm bored and have over half an hour until it is time to water the inside garden. After I water that shit I'm taking my Ambien and going to bed. Im tired!

hashish? hashoo

I collected, and then pressed, some mixed 160/110/70 micron particle sized hashish yesterday. Very strong stuff, I love the smell and how it stays lit forever in the bowl. You can casually smoke it while having a conversation :D If that were ever appropriate anywhere.. anyway it's good, i love hash, more than pot.. I'm a hash smoking caterpillar off to work at the flower shop!

My therapist called earlier from an unknown number earlier, "Is this Anthony?" = "..No, can u leave a message?" - "Ok well this is Stacy - 'Oh hey Stacy, it IS me Anthony, I waS screening my calls' " haha. So Yay, I get to talk to her tomorrow morning before work. And then Thursday and Friday nights I have Church stuff to occupy me.

I'm out of Clonazepam, and pot, and hash, but at least I have my Ambien, I can get to sleep when needed for work, at least - although really, it's Clonazepam+Ambien+Pot+Wine at night that puts me to bed, not the Ambien ;)

I'm naked crouching over my laptop, it's 10:19 and my ride will be here in 11 minutes.
I want to start learning Vulcan soon (yes, from Star Trek).

do svidanya!

I took my Ambien (after smoking a bunch of hash) and started writing a post, and then I kept looking at what I was writing, and I was convinced I'd already posted the same exact stuff that I was writing, as I was writing it. It sucks and I am, definitely off to bed... g0000dnight,..

Green-tomato wine, anyone?

So I'm clearing out my huge garden today, or finishing it up, anyway. I'm leaving it: clover (wild), calendula, alyssum, white and pink convolvulvus, and cherry tomatos all to finish up. The flowers will produce until th weather freezes. Below where some tomatos were, i found the strrawberry-patch I planted! I forgot about it, as many un-planned tomato plants over grew, and covered it from the sunlight..

I put away all the stakes, trellis, decorations, stepping-stones, buckets.

The garden patch had one problem this year - the dirt I used had tomato seeds in it from the prior season. So they dominated the garden this year by accident. Next year I am growing only cherry tomato (small plant) , and my flowers. More varieties. I want to grow sunflowers again, and other things. But no more tomato bushes like those I dealt with this year, no.

ANYWAY- I have two buckets of big round green tomatos. I dont like to eat them fried. Can I ferment them, make a wine from them? Haha. I plan on making wine from wild crabapple this fall, if I can..so i'm wondering if you can use green tomato? It'd be gross as fuck but hey it's better than throwing them away. Or pickling them (gross).

Maybe if I find enough crabapple, I can use the tomatos, in the crabapple wine.. i'll have to read up on it tonight.

I left the wild clover in as its roots fix nitrogen from the air. So at the end of fall, before the ground freezes, I can turn over that part of soil that contains cloves, and let it sit over winter; in early Spring i would turn again and add some things (lime, manure, maybe guano, blood, etc).

Can't wait to be gifted a fruit tree one day. A sapling, or a branch I can clone. A wild plum, or wild crabapple tree. A quince or fig tree , even..  :D

woke up this morning, had myself a beer

I rolled out of bed today late for my therapy appointment - I cadged a ride off my uncle, who lives on my very street a few houses up - he was all fucked up but swore he's "got the shakes, is sick, i'm out of pills, i need pot, nephew". He made me promise him pot for the 4 minute ride up the street he gave me. I promised but i'm giving you nothing.
It was raining. I was late. You are Family, and I asked a favor, I didn't ask to make a trade, or to buy a ride off you, thanks. An alarm clock and umbrella will be bought so I can write YOU, too, onto the list of family members, in town, that i dont talk to. And I have a lot of family members in town. A lot of them I dont talk to.

On a lighter night, my therapy session went.. well it went ok. Good news is I can see her 2x a week if I like, though as a new mommy :) she is only in Monday,Tuesday,Wednesday. The session itself was a bit teary as we were going over some things about my dad and how much I hate him, and how miserable I am living with my family..how my intentions are good, and sometimes it's not me, it's other people.

She told me that I can't always believe it is me or my actions that were wrong when people don't like me or are upset by me - i  can never know what kind of day they've had, or what craziness is going on in Their heads, right? She also chastised me for blowing thru all of my month's worth supply of Clonazepam (60#, 1mg), in 3 weeks, AND hitting another doctor for a 2nd script of (30#, .5mg). She wasn't mad so much as concerned. She says if I need to take so many Klonopin, I need the dosage inceased, and may need to increase my anti-depressant doseage, as well, or add a new medicine - So that when I do need and take the Clonazepam, it has an effect.

As, right now, they don't have any effect - tolerance. The good thing is, since i've run out for a week or so, my tolerance will be gone, just in time for another bottle of tranquilizers. Stacy (my therapist) offered to sit in on my next Psychiatrist appt. to help discuss my medication with me if i like. I told her maybe.

I walked home from the hospital, about 3 miles. I explored a house for sale, next to Trainer Methodist Church, on the way. I was drawn by some roses but I went around back - the yard is huge. There's a shed with a caved in roof - I went in and stole/recovered a very clean 1-gallon glass Jug, the old kind they used to keep wines or brandys in. The house itself is nice, brick, 3 floors, tucked away - many shade trees in the back yard. I called the # on the "FOR SALE" sign: their asking figure is 225, 000 ( 225.000 to my international friends) ! I wish I had that kind of money :) It was a nice home.

My future home will have a pond and some fruit trees, though. And rose bushes..they're so beautiful. I cut a very pretty, large pink one today, at the top of my street - I gave it to the girl across the street that i'd been too shy, for 4 years now, to say hi to.I said "hi!" and before she opened the passenger-side car door I got upthe courage to run over and say " I just picked this, I want you to have it. Have a great day " She flashed me her Arabian-princess smile, her eyes an oasis in a desert, and said "Thank you". Her voice was heavy, dark, sultry - very exotic.

Maybe now I can start talking to her. I've pretty much watched her from afar, literally 60feet (20m) away, for years. It's about time; now I can go have tea or coffee with her, or rose water or Camel's Milk, whatever her people drink. Probably Coca-cola..but still :) She's pretty and I , just today, talked to her. Go me.

Oh, I made some hashish, using my screens and some crystally-leaf material; at least now I have something to smoke until another plant comes down..now i'm working, I can sell less this time, and put away more "flowers" ;) wink, Ciao

I hate it here

I want to kill my father.
I keep envisioning my all-steel Paring knife sticking from his chest.
I have to go see my therapist but i'm a loser with no bicycle or license or car or ride so I have to walk to the 2 fucking miles just so I can go talk and cry to someone who doesn't fucking care.
Even working as much as I can and hustling what I can I wont be able to move from this hell hole for months. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it..

I want a partner..I want a baby. This isnt going to happen if I'mn blinded by the hatred and fear of my father - I have to jam my bed against my door so he couldnt barge in on me last night. He's insane and violent. I hate him.


monday funday

I'm smoking and passing out.. Therapy tomorrow. Pick up Rxs at pharmacy. Maybe hit the gym tomorrow night If i had some encouragement. It's been a while. My therapist keeps suggesting it. I keep.. not going. Cuz i'm dead sexy already, and all, plus working out SUCKS. I mean, i hate walking to cop, LOL let alone running for a specified length of time on a tread mill.. years ago I was in fantastic (ridiculous, 300# squat shape) but that was when I was a freshman @Pitt.

Iyi aksamlar

myself, and my indoor garden. face photo 2 years ago maybe, plant pics maybe 3 years old

Me, 2 years ago or so


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